I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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