Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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