If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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