Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
