her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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