Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
