remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
