Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
