After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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