even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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