I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
