last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
