Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
