Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
