Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
