my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
