I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
