your parents love me but you hate me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
