There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
