And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
zippers are such a cool invention
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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