She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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