u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
