I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
