Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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