If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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