what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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