I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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