what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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