I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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