I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
