I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm too high and old for this...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize