batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
