Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
