I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
