i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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