i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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