she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
