I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
