She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
