I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
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