Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
