dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
