just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
