so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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