The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize