Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
