I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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