omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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