Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
