; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
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