I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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