if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
