Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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