so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize