my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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