I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
