Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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