Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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