I'd wear matching sweaters with you
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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