i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
