I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize